Content or Satisfied or Settled????

I'm having huge issues today, issues where my heart and my mind don't match up. Maybe the issues are magnified because I'm sick and I'm feeling shitty. However, nonetheless they are issues.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm doing enough with my life? I know I'm a walking contradiction, people tell me to slow down, not work so much, enjoy life. I tell myself that too but when I do, I wonder what else I can do to be successful. It's true, I bust my ass to be successful and make a good living but is it enough or in my mind will it ever be enough. I'm not talking about money specifically, but just my contribution to life in general.

I worry about me, I worrry about Bill, and I worry about us together. I mean that's natural, I want everyone and everything to be okay. I want us to make a difference Bill works hard and is successful. I work hard and I'm successful. Are we doing our best to be our best though? I constantly ask Bill to be on his "A Game", which essentially means being "the best person you can be." However, do I always bring my "A Game?" I hope I do, I want to be the best person I can be and give back.

I was watching Oprah's "Big Give Show" which probably prompted these questions and scenarios to appear in my head. Which lead me to ask the question, Do I really make a difference? I heard a quote on the show from one of the judges, (Comedian Chris Rock's wife). She stated, "Service is the rent we pay to live life." Profound and mind provoking, am I doing a service to anyone or anything? Often times, Bill and I come home eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. It's kinda boring and I'm constantly searching in my mind for things to do that are new and exciting. Bill works later in the evenings and he's usually tired and not really into doing much after a long day at the office but that doesn't mean that I can provide a service for someone and actually make a difference!

So make a difference I will. I am going to try and do something different, and make a difference in someone's life. That will hopefully resolve my internal conflicts in which my head and my heart aren't matching up.

Enjoy your view and make a difference!